


impossible

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [35]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Feelings, M/M, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: “Break his heart... to save his life.”Alec stares into those searing dark eyes, the same eyes Magnus has been eternally damned to, and carefully considers his options.[Set during 3x18.]





	impossible

**Author's Note:**

> Written before 3x18 aired, based only on the Promo.

Alec stares into those searing dark eyes, the same eyes Magnus has been eternally damned to, and carefully considers his options.

Part of him wants to say yes immediately, wants to blindly sacrifice whatever it takes to recover Magnus's magic, anything to erase that wretched pain that's tearing through Magnus and left him a sobbing wreck in his arms.

But he's not stupid enough to believe that Asmodeus will tell Magnus about the trade if Alec agrees. _Break his heart_ , he said. He wants Magnus to believe that Alec couldn't love him without his magic, that he abandoned him despite all his promises and vows to the contrary. He wants him to believe that Asmodeus is the only one he can count on to be there for him no matter how far he fractures.

And if Alec remembers the way Magnus shook in his arms, a cracked _I'm sorry_ forced out between sobs, he's not sure if Magnus wouldn't fall for it.

Alec isn't sure if his magic will be enough to outweight the devastating knowledge that without his powers he could never be enough, not worthy of love, useless, pathetic. All the things Magnus is on the brink of believing already, confirmed beyond any doubt by Alec's actions. Alec can't imagine inflicting that on him, no matter the gain.

He's intimately familiar with the feeling of never being good enough no matter how hard he tried, how all his struggles were moot and pointless because his dreams of making someone proud, of being loved, of deserving happiness were lightyears beyond his reach. He never wants to feel that way again, and the thought of Magnus feeling even a sliver of this chips away at his very soul.

He can't do that to him.

 _Or maybe you're just telling yourself that_ , a voice whispers in the back of his head, _maybe you enjoy the thought of Magnus needing you too much to give it up. Maybe you like that he's finally not that untouchable, mesmerizing thing anymore that you could never measure up to. Maybe you relish the thought that he'll never get to outlive and forget you._

_Maybe, after_ _ knowing all along that he is your entire world, you've finally found the way to make yourself his. _

Alec's skin crawls. No.

 _It's not like that_ , he wants to plead with that voice that he knows belongs to no one else than him.

He just wants to think it through. Because this decision will change both of their lives forever.

No. This isn't about how the decision might affect him. This is about Magnus and Magnus alone, about what's best for him.

There's no place for _his_ feelings in this.

And so Alec takes a deep breath, steels himself and meets Asmodeus's piercing gaze head-on.

 


End file.
